What Guys Say… And What They Actually Mean

So I’ve found there’s something of a disconnect between what women will ask of us men, what we say in response, and what we actually mean. As we approach another Christmas, I thought I might be able to help. At least I’ll hopefully make you chuckle while you pick up that last trinket for Aunt Mildred. (Does she like clocks? She’s getting a clock, because F this, and the store is closing in five minutes, anyway.)

A woman asks a guy, “Would you mind if we had a dinner party next weekend?”

The guy knows what the correct answer is. He knows that saying, “You know, I’d rather not; I’d like a couple of nights in this weekend” will get him a couple of uncomfortable nights on the couch. So he says, “Yes, honey, that’s fine.” Do not confuse this response for enthusiasm. It is not.

She asks him to go anywhere on a Sunday in football season.

He says, “Okay, honey. We can take a drive up the coast.” (for example). He has either A. Figured out the game he cares about will be on the radio, is DVR-ing it and will do all he can not to figure out the score before he can get back home and set himself before his TV’s glow, or he has slipped into a waking coma, out of which he will come the following Tuesday, after all that week’s football is played, and he will think, What have I done???

She invites him on a hike. He senses this is a test,¬†kind of an Am I important enough to him that he’ll do this? and he wonders, Why do women test us men? Do I like hiking? No. Will I do it? Yes. Because I like her enough to gut my way through it. Hopefully she won’t mind next weekend, which I’ve planned to be, and during which we will be recovering from any and all injuries sustained today, in front of netlix. And that’s non-negotiable.

If he says he wants to go with you to a ballet or an opera, it’s because you asked, not because he offered, and he’s hoping you’ll want to go with him back to his place after. He’s also hoping he won’t fall asleep during the ballet or the opera, since in doing so he would lose all points gained.

By contrast, if a man asks a woman if she wants to watch football and she says yes, figuring it will earn her points with him, she is mistaken. All he will think is: Sweet. I found me a woman who likes football. And he’ll offer her a handful of Doritos while they listen to Joe Buck drone on about how good Aaron Rodgers is.

I write this blog as a public service.

 

 

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A Spoiler-Free Review: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

The force is indeed awake once again. It went dormant in the ’90s because George Lucas forgot that what makes movies good has all to do with character and story and nothing to do with long-winded trade agreements (or whatever those movies were supposed to be about; the first one was about pod-racing, I think).

All our favorite characters are back. And we’re introduced to new favorites. I love the new droid BB-8. He’s cute without being cloying

I promised no spoilers, so there shall be none. What I will say, abstractly, is that this new Star Wars, from the mind (and clearly the heart) of director J.J. Abrams, is the movie we’ve all wanted for years. “This is the Star Wars you’ve been waiting for.” Forget the prequels. What we wanted to know is: After the empire is taken down, what happens next? We get that here, in a movie that feels one part New Hope, one part Empire Strikes Back, one part it’s own, new form of awesome. For one thing, the way this movie uses the force is the kind of thing we all imagined while playing with our Star Wars action figures as kids. (Why didn’t we leave them in the box? We’d be rich right now, if we had. Damn!)

By the end of The Force Awakens, all I wanted was more. I would have sat in my seat and watched episode 8, if the powers that be had let me. By th way, less than six hundred days until we once again can visit that long time ago in that galaxy far, far away.

The Blog-post I Didn’t Want To Write!

But I’m a writer, and a writer’s job is to write, so write this post I shall. With a heavy heart and a lump in my stomach.

You know that feeling you get when you meet a girl, and instantly you just know your relationship is bound to be awesome? It’s the look she gives you. The way she doesn’t mind holding your hand straight away. The way her saying your name makes your name sound better. Better than it does when anyone else says it.

Throughout the relationship, you fall for her. You can’t help it. The way she talks. The way she cooks. The way she goes for a walk every weekend-morning at seven-fifteen because she wants to better herself, and you’re supportive of it all.

You show her Breaking Bad. She loves it.  She helps you rediscover your love for writing, and just how wonderful Harry Potter is. Answer: Pretty dang wonderful.

You spend two Christmases together. She loves your house and your ‘hood. She teaches you how to do laundry, and this gives you a measure of freedom you never had before. She finds she loves the Seahawks and how fun it is being a 12, too. That’s because of you.

You guys have reading time together. The two of you can sit comfortably in silence just reading for an hour and a half, and it’s not weird. It’s just what you do. You watch Jeopardy and marvel at the wonky champ who can go for eleven days, jumping all over the board as he does so.

You go to museums and check out exhibits on the civil war and D.B. Cooper. You think it’s wonderful that you’ve found someone who loves stuff like that as much as you do.

She’s there for you when your beloved canine brother of ten years can’t be with you anymore.

And then. After all that and more. Tonight happens.

The memories whose flames burn so bright with life that you can jump back into any one of them at any time… those memories are officially confirmed as memories. She tells you this is it. This Friday marks the end of the awesome. You want to save it. To argue. To fight for the beautiful girl and the beautiful something you’ve got together. But there will be none of that. She will have none of that.

With deep love for a past that made me better, and a burning hope that desires a wonderful as-yet-unseen future, I give my best to the awesome girl who went with me to so many movies, bookstores, cafes, and ball-games.

She is a good person.